Casseopeia00

I live in Georgia now with my fiance. He's so awesome! Soon, I will post the story of my engagement for everyone to see so you, too, can know how incredibly awesome my fiance is. But back to me living in Georgia. It's so exciting to be some place new. Always is for me. The weather feels like spring weather right now; its been gorgeous for the past couple of days. Now...if I can only get my financial situation's shit together, then I'd be in ecstasy. I had a bad start, but its all going to be OK soon.

And by bad I mean my mother was writing me checks and telling me to deposit them into my bank account when I was younger and then take the money right back and give it to her when her checks that she was writing weren't good. It should've dawned on me what she was doing, but I had no one to educate me on finance or bank accounts and so she got the best of me. After that my mom got me a cell phone and told me it was my graduation present. The phone company was running a deal at the time where my mom could open a line for herself for free; this was done under my name. Somehow the phone bill racked up to $2000 and I was taken to court. That was 6 yrs ago and that is still effecting my credit report as well as the bank incident. It has effected me getting a car, a place to live, and it's still effecting me that way. It sucks. It's like I never had a chance to live with financial struggle.

I'm getting over it now, though. I'm in debt up to my ass because I've been trying to get over it. Ha! But I'm soo close! I'm not going to give up.

It's a good life I'm living. Everyday is a blessing waiting to be unfolded, every waking moment is golden. I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be more in love. :)

I'm ready to get over it all. I'm ready to get over him. He was abusive, he was a drunk and I should've never listened to him. I'm ready to let go of my hate for her. She abused me all my life and she doesn't deserve the amount of energy that I put forth trying to accomodate her or amount of energy it takes just to be nice to her. It is what it is; she's not it. I've got my own life and its hard enough without those 2 people. I don't deserve the treatment I got from them. I deserve to be happy and I am...finally. That's why I need to move passed the obstacles those 2 people create. They're holding me back.

I'm ready to forget the past. It was good and bad, I'll never completely forget my past; I'll keep the good times close to me and the bad times I'll remember the lessons I learned. Life is too precious to keep all this bottled up until it destroys me. I've got everything I could ever want, why am I trying to throw it away? I'm scared, that's all. I've never been in a normal relationship. My mom was always fucking me over, can't trust her. My ex was always abusing me, if not physically, emotionally. I'm better than what he said. I'm too good for him, that's for damn sure. I've been living in chaos my whole life. I am so ready to let myself be loved and be happy.

It's happening again. My eyes fail to see the good in anything, my heart denies the feelings its having, and I suffer because of it. Is it me? Am I doing these things? I don't understand why I can't be happy.

...its a book. If you haven't read it, you should. Quite an interesting read; and does it actually work? Read it, learn it, use it, and find out.

I'm beginning to understand emotions and how to use them. I'm so good at using them, in fact, that my boyfriend can tell when I'm mad and when I'm happy and when I'm depressed...its awesome. So much easier to communicate. Who would've thought?

I'm so happy I chose to live this life.

Note: Don't ever let some controlling bastard get the best of you. If you're ever unhappy with your life; change it. It's as simple as that.

I'm sitting here in my mixed up cluster of emotions excited about what's next to come in this life. I feel like this is life...really life. Like I've just been born. Where was I before? I don't know or care; its in the past. Everything is so beautiful today. Going for a walk is ecstasy. The breeze outside is a miracle. Do you know what makes the breeze? A million things in our environment working together to make this tiny thing that we all ignore but enjoy so much and take for granted. I love it.

Everything is so beautiful.

I'm not very good at expressing emotions...mostly because I'm scared. I keep to myself and don't vocalize how I'm feeling because I don't want to upset anyone. Now apply what I just said to relationships; I think the scariest thing in the world is an angry man. When my boyfriend gets angry, I tense up, I don't know what to do or how to resolve the issue...I just want to run away. It's not the man, its the anger. Have you seen what an angry man can do? I'm strong, but not strong enough to defend myself from what they're capable of. So I try to keep an even temper most of the time and it comes across as monotone and void of emotion, but I can deal with that...the problem with this method is that my boyfriend normally cannot deal with that. (And by boyfriend I mean any guy that has been my boyfriend...I do have a current boyfriend, though...anyway...) I know I should stop being such a scaredy cat and just let it all out. If it offends someone then it offends someone, but that's where it gets scary for me. What if it does offend someone? I don't want it to offend the wrong person and I certainly don't want the worst to come of it. I don't think my current boyfriend would ever hit me, but I can't predict the future. I seem to be pretty good at getting guys to hit me or want to hit me.

Another reason why I don't express emotions in a relationship is because I believe that me being with the person should be enough. Why do they need to ask if I'm happy or if they make me happy? I'm with them, am I not? If I were not happy with them, I certainly wouldn't stick around. I believe actions speak louder than words. Of course, its always nice to hear that someone loves me but show me you love me, too. "More than words is all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn't have to say that you love me...cuz I'd already know." Also..."what would you say if I took those words away? Then you couldn't make things new just by saying 'I love you'". (Good song because its so true and its exactly how I feel about relationships.) So many people put such emphasis on "communication" in a relationship. "Communication" can mean a number of things, not just the words we use but our actions...body language. I'm not a very vocal person unless I have something to say. I don't like meaningless conversation and I don't like throwing words around that I don't need to. If I'm with you, you can be assured that I'm with you because I want to be.

Somewhere there lingers an enemy so small is sneaks in through my pores and around the corners of my airways and attacks my body from within. It makes me believe that everything will be OK then attacks in my sleep while I'm trying to breath. Bastard. So small I couldn't possibly beat it...only breath it in and hope my body has the strength to fight it off from within. *sigh* ...and I'm so exhausted.

Who will win this fight?

I believe everything happens for a reason. One thing may lead to another and maybe you can't have the one thing without having the other or you couldn't have the other thing without first having the one thing. I'm having a moment of clarity where everything seems to have purpose. I wish I could capture this moment in a bottle so I could have it forever and open it back up when I need this feeling of clarity again. That would be ideal.

I'm in love. I used to hate the very idea of being in love but this love is love indeed and a very passionate and understanding love...just what I need. I'm not scared anymore and I don't doubt what I'm feeling or how they feel. It's love and it is what it is and it will last as long as we do. Do you know what it means to love someone? That had always been a concept that I didn't fully understand. What was the purpose of love? Why did love hurt so much? The answers are simple, really. It wasn't the right love for me.

Who are you?

So...I got really sick in March, was rushed to the hospital, was sure I had some sort of food allergies or gastrointestinal issue yet the doctors found nothing. I have absolutely no allergies whatsoever, no illnesses, I'm in perfect health. The doctor decided to give me a psyche evaluation thinking it may not be a physical illness; he was right. Come to find out, I'm extremely unhappy and since I don't really seem to have emotions my body is feeling the unhappiness instead. This is a weird concept for me. I know I'm unhappy, I just don't care and I don't like being Debbie Downer so I don't ever act unhappy and therefore I really don't feel unhappy. It's interesting; my mind is actually lying to me right now. I feel unstressed, I feel happy most of the time, I like myself, I think I'm alright looking, but the reality is...this is all a lie. Apparently, I have no self-esteem. Not to be confused with low self-esteem; my self-esteem is just non-existent.

Don't really know what to do about this. I think one thing, but reality is something completely different. So what does one do when their mind starts lying to them? How does one quiet their own mind to feel the truth instead hearing the lies?

Life is finally calm once again. I got my account back; the ex hacked it for a phat minute. He said he was just being nosey..."seeing what I'm up to"...I say to him, "mind your own fucking business". Adam is going back to IN, Randi and I are happy again, I'm keeping my cats, and I can't wait to move back to Indiana.